Monday, January 12, 2009

Putting Words in Dick's Mouth - the annotated interview (part 3)
For Immediate Release
Office of the Vice President
December 22, 2008
The Annotated Interview of almost former Vice President Richard Cheney by Jon Ward and John Solomon, The Washington Times
Vice President's West Wing Office –
(the one with the man-sized safe)
3:20 P.M. EST
December 17, 2008

Q: As a former CEO,

(Of Halliburton, one of the corporations which has profited enormously from the conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan through ‘no-bid, cost-plus’ contracts.)
as you look out at the auto industry,
(Just over there beyond the amber fields of grain.)
an iconic industry of America
(What’s good for General Motors is good for America.)
that is struggling, so difficult,
(Can I get an ‘Amen’?)
if you were going to wave a magic wand,
(Here’s we go with the Neo-Cons’ magic wand, again.)
what would you recommend?
(Let’s pretend you’re getting stock options and $1 million in consulting fees?)

What needs to be done to change that industry?

(Besides expanding federal subsidies and possibly hiring you as a consultant.)

And also, can you give us some sense of what the Bush administration might still be able to do?
(While you guys still have it in your power to screw it up even more than it is.
And… Please don’t bring up any of that tired old clap-trap pipe-dreaming about promoting alternative fuels programs and blah, blah, blah.)

Will the loans really occur before you leave office?
(It’s not that I’m gullible enough to think I’ll get a straight answer to a straight question but my editor suggested it and your office approved it so…)

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Well, I can't tell you at this stage precisely what we're going to do,
(Actually I wouldn’t tell you bozos the right time of day if I could help it.)
because the President hasn't decided yet.
(keeping that little white lie alive…)
We're working on it,
(when it doesn’t interfere with lunch.)
and we had a session just yesterday on it,
(While the Frat Boy was clearing brush or whatever…)
looking at the options and so forth.
(It’s come down to just what my ‘cut’ will be of the ‘loan’. I don’t work cheap, you know.)
In terms of looking at the industry generally, I think that obviously it's a very, very important part of the global economy.
(Very, very, very important in that I own stock in that industry.)
I believe that there are a number of companies out there,
(And they know who they are…)
some of them operate in the United States,
(Even though most of their plants are outside the US…)
who are profitable,
(Because of huge, bloated Pentagon contracts)
who are producing products people want to buy.
(People other than the kleptocrats in the Pentagon. Of course, now I’m referring to Japanese and German auto companies.)
And increasingly, we're seeing in places like China and India, and so forth,
(Where there are lax labor laws and no unions…)
a steady increase in the demand for the production of automobiles.
(by US-based manufacturers eliminating the American worker from the equation)
I had a guy in here yesterday from China
(He fit in my man-sized safe beautifully.)
who was talking about the fact that they've quickly reached the point where they'll soon be producing almost 10 million cars a year.
(at least that’s what I thought he said. He was yammering on in Chinese but he wrote down some numbers for me.)
Then it won't be that far down the road
(Get it? I made a pun. And they say I don’t have a sense of humor…)
when China will be producing 20 million units a year
(That’s only 100% increase in production. Should be easy for those godless, Commie slave-drivers.)
-- this contrasted with good years here, we've been doing about 16 million.
(If only we had more godless slaver-driver of our own, our economy would be right as rain. Makes me nostalgic for the days when we could call in the Army to do some good, old-fashioned union busting.)
And so I think there are, apparently, just looking at it from a distance and not being a expert by any means in the automobile industry,
(In other words, I don’t have any more of a friggin’ clue than you nincompoops do.)
about that the American elements of General Motors, Chrysler, and I suppose to a lesser extent Ford, have encountered significant difficulties,
(They are coming with their hands full of ‘gimme’ and their mouths full of ‘much obliged’.)
I think for a number of reasons.
(They make cars nobody wants to buy, for a starter.)
But I'm told they are profitable in many places around the world,
(But I have no idea where that might be.)
but not profitable in the United States.
(Go figure...)
And then I think you've got to analyze
(I know that analysis is way above you pay grade, but I’m speaking figuratively here.)
-- if you're going to try to solve that problem, you've got to analyze why that might be,
(Pretty clever, right? In order to solve a problem, you have to understand what the problem is. I’m pretty sure I figured that out myself.)
and see what changes need to be made in order for those U.S. companies to become economically viable.
(Since they are ‘very, very important part of the global economy’ and all that. Or on the other hand, forget the analysis part of it and just throw huge wads of money at them willy-nilly, and ignore the fact that the industry is lead by avaricious incompetents who have driven their companies into bankruptcy.)

And we
(meaning ‘I’)
-- the President,
(that pampered wanna-be Marlboro-man…)
as he's made clear,
(by reading from the notes I’ve written for him)
doesn't want to see any more economic disorder added to the current problems we've got out there
(Which are nearly entirely due to our party’s own rampant de-regulation of industry and under-funding of over-sight boards and commissions.)
of both the financial crisis and being on the downside of the recession.
(We’ve been floating the concept of there being an ‘upside’ to a recession which we can claim credit for. We’re trying to spin this so that no matter what Obama does, the melt-down is all the Democrats fault.)
So he's looking at all the options.
(By which I mean, he’s screwing off as a lame duck until it’s not our problem anymore.)

(to be continued…)

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