Mike Pence's Brother

 

Dear Mike,

‘Sorry, I know those patriotic tourists wanted to hang you but I had to vote against the Constitution and reality. I voted ‘No’ on setting up the January 6^th Commission.’

‘As Drumpf’s previous lap-dog, I hope you’ll understand that I couldn’t possibly put my fledgling career in national politics in jeopardy by publicly supporting democracy and bucking the Lard of Mar-Lardo and his psychotic refusal to accept losing the 2020 election by more than 7,000,000 votes.’

No way.

‘I mean, what would I do if I lost the best phony-baloney job I’ll ever get? Go back to the bank? Ha! You understand, right? For 4 years, you stood transfixed behind him as if deeply in love.

(Speaking of which, I’ve never seen you look at Karen that way; where did get your motivation? Did those drama lessons with Scott Baio pay off, after all?)’ 

‘Anyway, I knew that bill was going to pass the House. 35 Republicans voted in favor of the bill; House Whip, Scalise, told us beforehand. My vote was to show all the MAGA folks in my district that I wasn’t Pelosi’s bitch; that I was the Former Guy’s bitch, instead.’

There’s even a scuttlebutt that some of us might get an invitation to Mar-A-Largo and press the flesh with His Orange Lardship. I’m sure there’ll be a photo-op; you know how he loves to get his picture taken! Imagine what that’ll do for me come 2022 – to be seen on a campaign poster with the Man himself! Those MAGA-folks will fall all over themselves to fill my war chest.

By the way, here’s a brotherly heads-up; I’m going to have to keep my distance from you until after the next election cycle. Gee whillikers! They wanted to hang you, Bro’!

Best to Karen!

Greg