Friday, May 4, 2018

Put Me In, Coach! (or, Rudy's Secret Game-saving Play)

Rudy & Sean in happier times...
...before the interview.

Rudy Giuliani is back on the scene and snarling mean... frothing at the mouth with determination to clamber back on to the public stage. He's been watching his senior years slip away while doing a pee-pee dance of anxiety in the wings. Now, he's off the Xanax and on fricking 'Hannity'. 

Rudy is back, baby! 

(Cue the 'New York, New York' theme-music)

Back on TV! Back on Fox! Back on frickin' Hannity!
Momma, do you know what this means?
Your Boy is Back!
America's Mayor! Back!
Mr New York Gang-busting Prosecutor! Back!

(Cue the curtain)

Thoughts  swarm in little Rudy's mind about reviving his presidential campaign; his 'Should Rudy Run?' PAC, his chance to replace Pence as court stooge, his renewed shot at Chief of Staff or Office of Legal Counsel or presidential coffee boy.
Rudy's proud, but if he can get his foot in the door, the sky's the limit!

'Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, Tomorrow...'

(Cue the follow-spot)

...and then, oops!
Counter-indications of the symptoms of Lime-light Disease crept in, and surged forth in full display.

"Sorry, I'm giving you fact now that you don't know...", blathers Rudy, englamoured by the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd, the hot studio lights, the glare from Hannity's fore-head...

(Cue the Jaws theme)

Rudy couldn't wait to give Sean a bomb-shell 'scoop' and flabbergast Hannity on air! What a coup that would be! Hannity would be forever grateful and Rudy, 'His-zonner', America's Mayor, would be back once more skipping along the yellow-brick Road to Oz as would be righteous and just!

Then, speaking in a voice unlike his own, he blunders on, lunging for the foot-lights, imagining a goal-line, heedless of the orchestra pit, invigorated by the quest for the spot-light, he blathers his ill-considered revelation at stage edge...

(Cue the pin-spot)

GIULIANI: Having something to do with paying some Stormy Daniels woman $130,000? Which, I mean, is going to turn out to be perfectly legal. That money was not campaign money. Sorry, I’m giving you a fact now that you don’t know. It’s not campaign money. No campaign finance violation.
HANNITY: They funneled it through a law firm.
GIULIANI: They funneled through a law firm, and the president repaid it.
HANNITY: Oh. I didn’t know that. He did?
HANNITY: There’s no campaign finance law.
GIULIANI: Zero. Just like every... (cross-talk)
HANNITY: So this decision was made by — (cross-talk)
GIULIANI: "Sean... Sean... Everybody was nervous about this from the very beginning. I wasn’t. I knew how much money Donald Trump put into that campaign, and I said, “$130,000? He could do a couple of checks for $130,000.”
When I heard of Cohen’s retainer of $35,000, he was doing no work for the president. I said, “Well, that’s how he’s repaying it, with a little profit and a little margin for paying taxes for Michael."
HANNITY: "But you know the president didn’t know about this?"
GIULIANI: Ah, he didn’t know about the specifics of it, as far as I know. But he did know about the general arrangement, that Michael would take care of things like this. Like, I take care of this with my clients. I don’t burden them with every single thing that comes along. These are busy people."

(Cue the confetti and the brass band)

...and it's a standing ovation! Thunderous applause! No, he's  fallen into the pit, crushing the piccolo player and putting his foot through the bass drum.

(Cue the trombone horse-laugh)

Admittedly, Hannity was, indeed, flabbergasted. (As Trevor Noah observed, it was probably the first time that Sean had actually been confronted with journalism.)  Sean, in true Foxian manner,  has tried to polish the turd Rudy dropped on him as best he can. And Rudy has clambered back onto the stage apron from the pit and - in response to the public opprobrium following his 'Own Goal' performance - has feigned astonishment that anyone would be so low as to question the noble sentiments and intentions of the Pussy-grabber-in-chief.

Demurring in the face of media outcry, Rudy tut-tutted;
"He was trying to save his family..." 

(Cue laugh-track)

So... to recap; Drumpf's fixer/lawyer paid a porn star for her silence, in order to protect Drumpf's family from learning that he, their loving patriarch, Drumpfen-dork, had shtupped a porn star, which he had never shtupped. 

Hold on, there's more...

Drumpf re-paid his lawyer/fixer the hush money 'cuz that's just the kind of right-minded sweetheart that Drumpfen-poot is. (A saint on earth. Ask anyone.)
That was the long-standing attorney/client arrangement - Trump would step in the shite and Cohen would clean up the mess. (Drumpf's a busy man, as Rudy dutifully said. The man ain't got time to clean up his own messes.)

Rudy, the former prosecutor, assured Sean's viewer-drones that such shady, under-handed mob tactics are standard operating procedure for many attorneys. Rudy included himself proudly, boastfully in that dubious company.
(Wonder what the ABA thinks of Rudy prime-time confession...)

Furthermore, continuing the re-cap...

Knowing the way the 'Lying Media' operates, the Drumpfen-putz anticipated that the resulting feeding frenzy over this harmless bit of bother would have hurt his oh-so-sensitive family to a cruel degree. (Picture little Barron, clutching his dead hamster and watching the heartless reportage of the Lyin' Media on his tablet... Sad...)

(cue the tiny violins)

Never ready to leave well-enough alone, Rudy once more seized the chance to hoist himself on his own petard. He babbled on (and on) admitting that Drumpfen-doofus also perceived that such media coverage would most definitely hurt his campaign. 
(After all, the Trump Cult hadn't been so thoroughly indoctrinated as it is now.)

Moreover, and more importantly, in Rudy's view, a set-back in Drumpfen-dorfer's campaign would, most assuredly, have adversely affected the delicate, fragile sensibilities of the Drumpfen-clot's Crime Family, causing traumatic psychological and emotional harm. Poor things...

(cue the theme to "The Days of Our Lives")

'Q.E.D.', Rudy decrees, his foot still in the bass drum.

No Collusion...
No harm. No foul.
Dems are obstructionists.
The FBI are poo-poo-heads.
Mueller is a booger-butt.
Hillary's e-mails
Lyin' Press
Lugen Presse

"There is Just America!"
Rudy Guili-baby-ani, 2016 @ the Republican National Convention
Yes, really...

(cue the balloon drop)

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